Elections are a time when we publicly give and receive feedback. Presidential elections here in the US tend to put our collective skill in this domain on full display.
In short, humans tend to suck at giving and receiving feedback. Very few of us have been taught how to do so gracefully. Thus, as a coach and collaboration architect, I spend a lot of time working with feedback. Much of what I teach and practice is based on Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen’s spectacular book: Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well. Anyone who knows me knows I am no expert and am still learning. Luckily, most of us are in the same boat so I have no worries about finding work :)
For my third 2024 compilation, I’ve collected some initial reactions to November’s elections that resonated most with me.
I’ve organized them using the five fundamental steps of receiving feedback (I’m no graphic designer). (Note: reactions start at step 3, and steps 4 and 5 will be covered in a subsequent post, as this got VERY long.)
#1 Take it in.
We live in a culture that is always rushing. Making sense of the election will take time…indeed, even tabulating results doesn’t happen overnight.
The first step in receiving feedback is…to simply receive the feedback. Take it in with all of its messy, formal, informal, direct, implicit, subtle, intentional, unintentional glory.
Try as best you can to listen without rejecting the information. The best feedback will usually include surprises, because we often don’t know much about our own blind spots.
Remember Stone & Heen’s fundamental message: receiving feedback is HARD. Humans are wired to learn, but learning about ourselves is challenging. Even though we know feedback is important and good, receiving it can feel brutal. Yet, we all have some experience where a hard truth helped us over a seemingly impossible hurdle.
“[Feedback] can feel less like a “gift of learning” and more like a colonoscopy. ”
It turns out that feedback is BOTH like a “gift” and a colonoscopy. Even knowing this, however, we’re conflicted because of a tension at the heart of the matter. Feedback lies at the crux of two fundamental, yet competing human needs:
Our need to learn and grow
Our need to be accepted, respected and loved, just as we are.
Luckily, one can learn how to receive feedback with grace. This election provides an opportunity for all of us to expand our collective skills in this area.
#2 Acknowledge the gift.
After receiving feedback, most of us need time to absorb or react before making any judgments or commitments. Step two is to simply say “thank you” based on the assumption that we will discover something of value.
Recognize that it is a risk to give feedback, and a privilege to receive it (acknowledge the gift!…read more about this in Nigel Bristow’s book “Where’s the Gift.”). Make sure the giver feels rewarded and encouraged to step forward again.
To be clear: you don’t have to agree with what has been said. You are simply offering a neutral response of recognition. When this is challenging, I refer to Rumi’s poem “The Guest House.”
#3 Digest.
Once you’re ready to begin understanding the feedback, step three begins.
1: Breathe.
Everything starts with breathing. Stone & Heen have a marvelous discussion around noticing triggers and responses, which is worth reading. Sometimes there is a lot of breathing if the feedback is uncomfortable, unwanted or ugly. Remind yourself that your first step is “putting on your own oxygen mask first”
2: Feel your feelings.
This is also the time to feel your feelings, to sit with uncertainty and discomfort. Here are some beautiful models from the past week:
-1-
Sit with the uncertainty and discomfort. As my friend and spiritual teacher Rosa Carson, observes: ”it’s too soon to know what this means…” and “sometimes the thing that seems to be the worst, turns out to be the best.”
-2-
“Don’t rush from grief.” Many in my circle have been sharing this beautiful post from Cole Arthur Riley’s Black Liturgies.
-3-
Feel truth’s power. “All I can feel in this moment is absolute power. Bust difference between façade and reality (this is a strength – can respond to what we know) – America as an institution based on domination and power”
-4-
Denial may visit. Remember this is a coping mechanism, not reality.
3: Rest/recuperate & Seek Joy
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Cuddle up in your hoodie.
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Listen to music. (Thank you Chris Wahl & Rob Brezsny)
Jon Batiste “Freedom” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YHVC1DcHmo&list=RD3YHVC1DcHmo&start_radio=1
(6 min) Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D4vNcK6D38&list=RD7D4vNcK6D38&start_radio=1
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Micro dose hope. (Thank you Brené Brown)
4: Try to understand & Truly listen.
Trust that truth might reveal itself slowly. Seek to understand what may seem inexplicable. Consider options. Play devil’s advocate with yourself. As Bristow, Stone & Heen all remind us, this is the time to open the box and seek the gift. Sometimes packaging may initially obscure the gift. Be curious. Ask questions. Strive to listen with an open mind. Listed in no particular order, are are a few early efforts at digestion that struck me:
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Invite dialogue. This was so cool.
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I loved everything about Billy Wimsatt’s post. Most especially “reflect, don’t blame.” And, he appended a wise postscript from Justin Ruben.
-3-
10 reasons not to give up hope. (the bonus optimist poem is worth the click)
-4-
This video knocked my socks off.
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Does what Trump says out loud echo many Americans’ “inside voice,” what they are quietly thinking or discussing in the privacy of their homes?
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How do our systems promote toxic leaders? This is a system story, not a political one. Consider: if you want a different outcome, look beyond the systems.
-7-
David Brooks is so thoughtful. Too tired to sum this up. Not sure anyone will read this far anyway :)
How the Ivy League Broke America: The meritocracy isn’t working. We need something new.
By David Brooks
Will share #4 (Adjust) and #5 (Seek feedback) in a subsequent post. Want to get this up before December!