No one enjoys dealing with bullies or recalcitrant colleagues. Yet, experience shows uncongenial people are present in most workplaces, often where we least wish them to be. Why do toxic people continue to succeed professionally? How does one most effectively counteract bad behavior? How should leaders handle them? Much of my practice involves helping clients improve their approach to this fundamental challenge.
What (or who) is toxic?
Since we know clarifying a problem makes the path toward solving it more likely to appear, let’s start by defining toxic.
First, the dictionary. According to Merriam Webster, something (or someone) toxic is extremely harsh, malicious or harmful; capable of causing death or serious debilitation.
A second way of thinking about toxicity comes via renowned therapist and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman. Gottman identifies four specific behaviors (affectionately referred to as the “four team toxins” or the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”) that spell disaster for any relationship. Of course anybody can exhibit these toxic behaviors; frequency is the key. When they arise infrequently, they can usually be neutralized or overcome. When used routinely, however, they are seriously debilitating. Here’s a thumbnail summary (there’s lots more on this rich and important topic):
Criticism (sometimes called Blaming) is an attack on someone’s character, rather than their behavior.
Contempt is being truly mean. It goes beyond criticism into disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, belittling or more. Many consider contempt the most poisonous behavior, and Gottman names it “the single greatest predictor of divorce.”
Defensiveness is protective response (often to criticism), which usually deflects responsibility for conflict or faults onto someone else. Essentially, it’s saying “the problem is not me, it’s you.”
Stonewalling happens when someone withdraws from the interaction. Example evasive maneuvers include silent treatment, acting busy, and passive-aggressive responses. While stonewalling might be appropriate as a short-term response to contempt, if it becomes a habit it prevents healthy dialogue.
Thirdly, ethnographer and leadership expert, Simon Sinek offers an example from the Navy. According to Sinek, identifying toxic people on a team is “unbelievably easy.” In a compelling two-minute video, Sinek outlines how the Navy defines toxic people. As you can see from my sketch, they evaluate individual capacity along two dimensions: performance and trust.
In an unfortunately sexist but memorable summary, Sinek shares the Navy’s likely unspoken definitions:
Performance = trust in someone’s skills on the battlefield. Do I trust you with my life?
Trust = trust off the battlefield. Do I trust you with my money and my wife?
So, for Sinek (and the Navy), a toxic person is a highly skilled performer you don’t trust. Think about what that means in your organization.
Conversely, a trustworthy person is “someone who’s always got your back,” who you know “will always be with you, even when the chips are down.” And, while they may not be star performers, they are people “you better keep on your team.” Sinek concludes (echoing many others), that these people are an organization’s “best gifted natural leaders, who are creating an environment for everyone else to succeed.”
Does your organization promote toxic leaders?
Sinek then shares an observation I’ve been mulling ever since I saw the video. In the world of work, we have myriad ways to measure performance, but negligible metrics for measuring trust. Said another way, most organizations value performance, and undervalue trust. Intentionally or not, have we built systems that identify and promote toxicity?
When doing the hard work of fostering psychological safety and promoting collective genius, I find it helpful to name these toxic barriers to success. I am always looking for new ways to identify, develop, reward and promote trustworthiness. I plan to continue posting on this worthy challenge.
Important Post Script
For anyone who knows a child currently trapped in a toxic home during the pandemic, I encourage you to read my friend Kristin Cashore’s excellent post from last August. Her advice is useful for everyone.